New poem comments requested?

Latest in my color poem series. Please comment. I am having trouble with the ending. I am trying to get in idea of the serpent eating it's own tail somehow. I didn't want the clerk to say, ';Go eat yourself!'; though.





Serpentine



Eats the praise

of his MySpace pictures

like it is a 30 course meal.

He has got so much,

“OMG you are so hwat!”

around his waist

he can’t get out of his chair

anymore.

The tally of friends

on his MySpace

would fill the dining hall

of Windsor Castle,

The Forbidden City,

and Versailles

and have started to

round out his chin

making him a little

pudgy.



Of course

he doesn’t see this

when he takes his

professional photos

at high angles

he sees his

“amazing eyes”,

“cute smile”,

and “sick hoodie”.

and so in an

entrepreneurial endeavor

he marketed himself

as the latest a greatest

piece of sugar coated eye candy

with a cause since MLK

serving everyone

a long blog on how

he didn’t care

what anyone thought

and they could all

**** themselves

he would be famous

and they would be nothing.

He disposed of

anyone with any criticism

by having his 13 year old wait staff

remove them

from his restaurant

through spamming.



He expanded his enterprise

to Stickcam where

he had a “cooking show”

which was an hour of

giggling and comments

about how cute and noble

he was trying to educate people

about eating healthy,

that his tofu burgers were, “nummers”.

He felt his success was so

great that he started to ask

his patrons for “tips” in the jar

so he could expand his cause.

But soon his devotees began to notice

that his sauces were thinner

his meals were not as well rounded

the fruits of his show were not as fresh

but he had new clothes and a new haircut,

his face looked just slightly different

around the chin.



Then on a Friday evening

his ego empire,

his saccharine shrine to himself

was raided, desecrated

by hackers who sprayed

his entire teenage crop with

pesticides.

It was as if someone

had put too much salt

in the soup,

nothing could be done to make

it taste better..

Serpentine steamed

in all caps blog

about this recipe of disaster

with very few complete words

and almost no punctuation

except for the !!!!!!

it was just big slab of

rank steak that nobody wanted.

His internet had rotted away

everything he had

cooked up was spoiled

and his gluttony weighed

down on him

like a sack of old potatoes.



He called a the local

computer store to order up

some tech support

but the “Jerk!” at the store told him

“We are fresh out.”

So he got rude

and started boiling up,

and the clerk calmly told

Serpentine to “Go **** himself”

and hung up.



Bear 2009New poem comments requested?
It's a little annoying that the line breaks are so frequent. I love the saccharine shrine to himself bit. Instead of soup, compare it to Carthage?

http://community.discovery.com/eve/forum…



I can't think of a way to have the image of the snake eating itself. Perhaps he begins to eat his tail to try to satiate his need for attention, as a motion of insecurity?